Day 72 Lockdown - Silly Sundays no 9

Silly Sundays

You know what time of the week it is! Enjoy!

1. A wife says to her programmer husband: Go to the supermarket and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen. Later, he returns with 12 loaves of bread.
2. I was just on an online diabetes awareness course and they asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
3. Nothing ruins your Friday more than just being told that it's Thursday.
4. Some bloke just said he was going to attack with the neck of his guitar. I said: Is that a fret?
5. I've been a limo driver for 25 years and haven't had a single customer. All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
6. How do people lose their kids in the mall? Seriously, any tips are welcome.
7. I went to a costume party dressed up as an alarm clock but left early in a bad mood. The people there kept winding up all night.
8. When I was a kid, I prayed to god for a bike. But then I realised that god doesn't work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
9. I like waiters; they bring a lot to the table.
10. Apparently, you can't use beef stew as a password. It's not stroganoff.

#onesockdays

Day 65 Lockdown - Silly Sundays no 8

Silly Sundays

Welcome to yet another blog! Today is yet another Silly Sundays where I will tell you some random jokes. Enjoy!

• My friend David lost his ID. So now I call him Dav.
• Diet Diary, Day one: I removed all the fattening foods and items from the house. It was delicious!
• Which member of ABBA was the oldest? Bjorn. It's easy to remember because he was Bjorn before all the others!
• What do you call a bunch of old men who clap? Menapplause.
• People tell me that my grammar stinks. That's really harsh; she's 101, bless her.
• Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility
• Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
• A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cream. How dairy!
• What do fish need to stay healthy? Vitamin Sea!
• My dog swallowed a phone. Now, I have to ring his neck.

Thanks y'all!

#onesockdays

Day 58 Lockdown - Silly Sundays no 7

Silly Sundays

Welcome to my blog! Today brings more random jokes. Enjoy!

• My girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees. I thought she was joking... but then I saw her face.
• What do you call a police helicopter? A heli-copper.
• My wife is leaving me because I am going bald. I'm not bothered; it's hair loss.
• It's a disgrace that gingerbread men and women are forced to live in homes made out of their own flesh.
• As I watched the dog chase its tail, I thought that dogs are easily amused. Then I realized that I was watching it chase its tail.
• When I told my mum I was setting up a theatre, she said, " Are you having me on?" I told her, " Well, I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything."
• What position did Bruce Wayne play in baseball? He was the bat boy.
• I keep trying to lose weight but it just keeps finding me.
• Why don't ghosts like rain? Because it dampens their spirits!
• What does a man on the moon do when his hair grows too long? Eclipse it!

Thanks y'all!

#onesockdays

 

Day 51 Lockdown - Silly Sundays no 6

Silly Sundays

Me right now! XD

Welcome to my blog! Today is the 6th episode of Silly Sundays! Today, once again, brings more random jokes from my book. Enjoy!

1. RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
2. A hundred years ago, everyone had a horse; only the rich had cars. Today, everyone owns a car and only the rich have horses. Oh how the stables have turned.
3. What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
4. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it's more of a wrap.
5. Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he neverlands.
6. I can't believe that I forgot to go to the gym today! That's 5 years in a row now!
7. Why do Norwegians build their own tables? No Ikea!
8. Which country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland's - every year, it's Dublin!
9. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting,". So we stopped playing chess.
10. What do you call a cow that can't produce milk? An udder failure!

As an extra to today's blog here is a joke you can make up the answers to in the comments:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

#onesockdays

Day 44 Lockdown - Silly Sundays no 5

Silly Sundays

Welcome to Silly Sundays everyone! Today should bring chuckles and smiles to most faces. Enjoy these random jokes!

• A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Police are asking motorists to look out for 16 hardened criminals.
• My wife told me that I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down .
• Yesterday, a clown held open a door for me. I thought it was a nice jester.
• Me: Doc, I can't stop singing, 'the green, green grass from home.'

Doctor: Sounds like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome.

                                                      Me: Is it common?

                                                        

                                                      Doctor: Well, it's not unusual.

• I was asked to help design the first Monopoly board. I said, "I'll give it a go."
• Just to let you know, i don't trust atoms. They make up everything.
• What do you call a spooky burrito? A boo-rito!
• Why did the coffee pot file a police report? Because it was mugged.
• I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.
• What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Day 37 Lockdown - Silly Sundays no 4

Silly Sundays

Welcome back viewers! Today is the 4th episode of Silly Sundays! I hope you laugh!

• A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!" He replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
• What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.
• What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has it's claws at the end of it's paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
• I fear that my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
• I hate Russian dolls; they're so full of themselves.
• How did the tree feel in Spring? Releaved
• Just found out that my friend has been living the secret life of a priest. It's just his alter ego.
• Apparently, five out of four parents struggle with their children's maths homework.
• What's the difference between a sock and a camera? One takes 5 toes and the other takes photos.
• Thanks to autocorrect, one in five kids will be getting a visit from satan this Christmas.

Day 30 Lockdown - Silly Sundays No. 3

Silly Sundays

Welcome to the 3rd episode of Silly Sundays! Today will bring even more random jokes. I hope you laugh!

• Why can't a T-rex clap? Because it's dead.
• I've just started a business building yachts from home. Sails are going through the roof!
• What do you call a snake that's 3.14159 metres long? A pi-thon!
• I witnessed a kidnapping in the park today. I thought I better not wake him up.
• My Grandfather has got the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban at the zoo!
• What do you call a factory that makes average products? A satisfactory.
• Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
• Why is Tigger so messy? Because he is always playing with Pooh!
• Why is Dracula more creative at night? Because he gets to think outside the box.
• What do you get from walking in the rain? Wet!

#onesockdays

Day 23 Lockdown - Silly Sundays no 2

Silly Sundays

Welcome to a second episode of silly Sundays! Today will bring smiles with random jokes. Hope you enjoy! 

                      Random Jokes!

1. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns. Well, toucan play at that game.
2. What do you call a belt of watches? A 'waist' of time!
3. What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe, Philoppe.
4. I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.
5. I don't like floors. They make up stories.
6. Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked. 
7. Vegan says: People who sell meat are gross!

          Me: But people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

      8. If you're at the Apple store when it's robbed, does it make you an iWitness?

      9.Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

    10.My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

#onesockdays

Day 16 Lockdown - Silly Sundays - no 1

Silly Sundays!

Welcome back to a new episode of my blog! Today will be another new series starter where every Sunday I will be sharing with you funny and laugh-out-loud jokes from both of my favourite joke books. Enjoy!

Word Jokes!

*  The word 'diputseromneve' may look ridiculous. But backwards, it's even more stupid.

* What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2!

* Who came between Mr D and Mr F? It's a Mr E.

* Me: Have you heard about the new film called Constipation?

   

   Friend: No? 

   Me: That's because it hasn't come out yet.

* A bloke on a tractor has just driven past yelling, "The end of the world is nigh!" I think it was Farmer Geddon.

* Dad: There's only one thing that scares me at Halloween.

   Son: Which is?

   Dad: Exactly!

* I have been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants - it's called feefiphobia.

* I hate it when people don't know when to write 'your' and 'you're'. There so stupid.

*  One vowel saves another's life. The other says, "Aye E! I owe you."

* Why do bees stay in their beehive in winter? Swarm.